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Everyone is Someones Replacement

So recently I have been trying to stay very in the moment.  Very conscious and connected to the here and now. I hear people call it being rooted, or a bunch of different things  I started calling it being in the flow when I started connecting to whatever “it” is that I have been experiencing.  The more I am in the flow, the more I find books, experiences, and people who are “in the flow.”  I am experiencing energy attracting like energy and I fully believe it.

If you view yourself as mediocre, and look at your circle of friends, and your job and your situation, you are going to find that you are surrounded by things that are exactly that.  If you view yourself as AMAZING, and that you do AWESOME things, and you try new things, and you like in a state of the here and now and are thankful for what you can do in the moment… you will attract more good energy.

So earlier this week I was having a nice chat with a friend, when a nerve was struck. It struck kinda hard and I am not sure why. We have been talking about a lot of things. We talk a lot about work, a lot about my old job, since we have that setting in common. We started talking about how I had left behind some big shoes to fill, that they haven’t quite found the right fit for and how I still feel a little bit of mixed emotions over that situation. We also talked about some things going on in life right now, big and little, mostly just empty chat… that somehow turned into deep insightful conversation as tends to happen when I just sit down to talk with someone.

When he said… “everyone is someones replacement” I just… I didn’t have words to respond.  I mean, it is truth, it is so profound… It makes me think about what kind of space I want to leave behind to be replaced in any aspect of my life.  About two weeks ago a friend of mine passed away suddenly.  If I were to pass away… who would be my replacement.

I know that is not exactly the context we were speaking in… but my mind went there.  I mean, I know I am replaceable at work… I never live under the illusion that I am not.  While I may have been told two jobs ago “you can be replaced by an add on craigslist” during a fit of frustration by my manager, for which when I gave my notice and said that was one of my reasons for leaving I received an apology, it is true.  My replacements may not be as qualified for the job as I was, or as hard-working, but as i said before you attract what you put out there… and if you are just looking for a body to be there at an ungodly hour… that is what you will get.

I don’t have kids of my own to worry about who would be mom to them… but I am an auntie… and it is sad to think who would replace what I teach them.  I am a daughter, and no matter what the state of my relationship with parents is, there is no one that could replace that role.  I am a sister, who would put her life on the line… or on hold in her brother needed something. Who would do that?

While everyone is someones replacement… no one is replaceable. I want those words to resonate with you right now.  Everyone is someones replacement… but NO ONE IS REPLACEABLE.  You are valuable.  You are unique and you touch people in ways you do not know, and can not understand.

I have struggled for years with depression.  Along with depression I have self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, anxiety, you name it it effects me in some way.  When I was a teen I attempted suicide, and as I have been in recovery from that for years it never really clicked that I am not replaceable.  I can be replaced but I am not replaceable.  My job in the transportation industry has I suppose served as a huge learning tool for me… because it keeps showing me over and over again that I can be replaced but I am not replaceable.

So take a look in the mirror, look into your eyes and tell yourself you are not replaceable, say it like you mean it. Say it until you believe it. Everyday.

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Giving. Is it About What You Get or Something More?

For a few weeks I have been mulling over the same set of thoughts over and over again.  Giving. Having just had my birthday, I was the recipient of one of the MOST amazing gifts I have ever received. The gift on knowing just how much my hug, and honest friendship meant to someone in my life.

So often I see the same relationship when it comes to giving. People have a bargain-type relationship with giving. It is seen perfectly, in an exaggerated form, in an episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon and Penny give each other gifts for the holidays.  Sheldon struggles to find something that will be an equal monetary value for the gift he may receive, and Penny gives a gift that is of significance.  This leaves Sheldon to try making up the difference.  Giving is not meant to be a relationship of exchange.  It is not, I will give this to you but you need to give that to me.  It is not a competition of who can outdo who, it is not a fucking transaction.  Do not give with expectations that is a business relationship.

I believe this is why so many people look to charity to relieve a bit of guilt that has built up from the give and get of these relationships.  In recent years those close to me have seen a shift in me, those that are newer to my life only know it as how I am.  I am doing my best to give from a place of gratitude.  I give because I am thankful for what I have, I am thankful to be able to share and thankful to be able to do what I can in the moment.

My friend Stephanie is doing her very first half ironman tri tomorrow! It did not even cross my mind to not be there.  Am I going because she drove up to Minneapolis in September? NO. Am I driving because she roomed with me at Fitbloggin? NO! Why am I doing it… because she is my Celery and I am her Carrot and giving support and cheering is something I can do.  I cannot imagine NOT being there.

So here I am on the eve of the tri basking in the greatness of gratitude in a suite at my hotel so happy to be able to give what I can on this day. Tonight will be dinner with friends old and new, tomorrow I will cry as my friend pursues her dreams and goals, and gives her all.

I guess I just want to raise your conscious level for a moment and make you think about giving.  Think the next time you GIVE why you are doing it.  Try to remove your expectations from the picture.  Hold the door, but don’t expect it to be held.  Buy a coffee and don’t worry if they pay it forward or not.  Do for other people.  Believe and BE LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Be present, it is a gift.

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Haters Gonna Hate.

Players gonna play, and haters gonna hate! I headed into work today, still buzzing a little bit high from having done the color run yesterday.  I was still sporting my silver and gold star temporary tattoos on my left arm and my silver unicorn on my right arm, as it is okay to have these things show at work, or so it seems, when I was asked about that “thing on my arm.”

I said oh this? Excited to have someone ask about my unicorn, I went on to say it was part of the Color Run yesterday, and that I was still sort of stained a little bit, because I have some splotches of paint scattered various places.  As I explained what the color run was, I got this whiff of nastiness washing over me from the other party involved.  “Why were you even outside yesterday.” “You shouldn’t be doing that.” “You’re going to *blah blah blah*” and I tuned right on out. In my mind all I could do was visualize myself rising above all of the what I can only imagine as self-doubt, or self-hate, or something else internally because, I knew my limits, and I respected them.

Yes it was hot, yes I am sore because I have ONE new blister… but I did really well with prep work on my feet and managed to protect enough that I only ended up with one.  I spent much of the day picturing myself as a little red balloon rising along a rainbow in the sky of clouds and sun today. I can be rooted in the ground, and floating above things at the same time.  It is a very, peaceful place to be, and I am working very hard to stay in this place.

I am working to let go of a lot of things, things that are too stressful, things I cannot change.  I often find that I am accused of doing too many things for other people, and am working on a balance of doing things for myself.  The act of rising above is a gift of kindness itself.  To forgive others for their judgement and harshness is a gift to others.

I am a work in progress, but I feel like working towards a shift in the way we think helps change who we are and how we see the world.  I am doing my best to take a moment each day and honor myself, whether it is in forgiveness, in physical action, or in some other way.

Be kind to yourself, be kind to each other, and remember to find something everyday to celebrate, inside and outside of yourself!

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When Things Don’t Go To Plan at The Color Run

So months ago, before my gallbladder went tits up, I signed up to be on a team to do the Color Run with some friends. I haven’t gotten the chance to do a Color Run before.  I was signed up last year and I was unable to do it for several reasons, and was smart enough to sell my registration to the race before that closed out.

When my little trip to the ER happened this year, my heart sank.  I was resigning myself to so many things that I wouldn’t be doing in the way that I had planned.  No fun Zumba fest at Fitbloggin, no jumpsport trampoline fun… and as today approached and I am still not back into wearing pants because my incision is so tender… no 5k color run.

Thoughts of how I have had to change so many things since surgery ran through my mind for the last few weeks, and I looked through the options I had.  I really wanted to participate, but I am so far backwards from where I was pre-surgery that I don’t want to hold others back.  … A statement all about me.  If people don’t want to be held back they don’t have to be! It is an excuse… an excuse not to be happy, not to be living the way I want.  So… what was I supposed to wear?

If you haven’t seen or heard of the Color Run you might be living under a rock.  It is a 5k where they toss cornstarch based pigment on you, that I am guessing was inspired by Holi (the Hindu festival of color) The big thing about the color run is the Color! So you wear white, so the color shows… … … and never comes out of whatever you wear.  So what was I to do? I have all these dresses that I wear for work now, but I don’t want them to get stained! TjMaxx to the rescue! I found a $15.00 frock, that actually was kinda cute.. but was very plain. It would do the trick.

Glittery Color Run Tutu

Glittery Color Run Tutu

I hadn’t really put much thought into how much I really didn’t want to wear a dress until I had the dress. I decided the only thing to do when you don’t like something is to make it better, and that meant only one thing. TUTU!!!  Literally at 4:50 yesterday afternoon I was in line at the craft store buying tulle and ribbon, and at 10:00 last night it looked like Ke$ha and I had a throw down with some strippers at a unicorn farm in my apartment because there was (is) glitter EVERYWHERE!!!! Note to tutu makers out there… don’t buy the tulle with the glitter…. and if you do… make the tutu outside… do NOT let it in your house.  I was leaving a trail of magical positive energy everywhere I went today.

So today actually WAS the color run.  Today marks 12 weeks since my trip to the ER, but not quite 12 weeks post op.  I am still on surgical-restrictions.  I have NOT been to a gym since I started having gallbladder issues maybe a month before the ER visit.  I have NOT been doing much of anything because recovery has been tough.  Denver was tough… blisters suck on their own.. when they form under callouses they are even more sucky.  Yesterday late in the day I got a text from the National Weather Service… “Heat Advisory” Yep that’s July in Minnesota.  Thank god we’re wearing white right?

Color Run Team Photo

2015 Color Run Team Before Photo

I also received another text yesterday, from our team captain asking if we were meeting up at the race, and then even more specifically if I was going to carpool to the run.  I gave my obligatory, “I will be slow” warning.  Afterall, I’m not running… I’m walking, and I don’t want anyone to have expectations of a 30 minute finish.

I love that I have such a great support system, because these ladies said, its fine lets all ride together.  So we did… but only after I left some Ke$ha love at Samiens house.  Not to mention  II was stoked to FINALLY meet Kris after all  these years of us living so close to each other and never actually doing anything about it.

We headed to the start line, and boy there were a LOT of people.  Most of the races I do are NOT this large.  There were obviously the standard fare of events to pump up the crowd but we went right for the chutes, because it was already time to get going! We moved forward a little at a time, then we were off.  Everyone had their own pace and mine was turtle.  The girls waited for me at first and then once we had a meeting place established for the end everyone was free to go at their own pace.

I did what I do, and talked to strangers, made friends with random older folks who had done this a few times before, and talked to a girl being pushed in a wheel chair due to a broken ankle who was just too determined that she was NOT missing out on this! As I walked along I took a few deep breaths, and felt the swell of emotions as I could feel the awareness level in my body rising.  I hadn’t even reached Yellow yet (the first station) and I knew I was in trouble.

I moved to the far right, as far as I could get, and kept pressing on.  I repeated to myself, you’ve gone farther than you did last year. Then I asked myself are you having fun? Because if you aren’t then lets just call it right now.  I wasn’t not having fun… but I wasn’t fully enjoying myself yet.  I got to yellow and the music was pumping.  Signs read follow the yellow brick road, and people were skipping through the color.

I raised my arms and twirled trough the sea of bottles of yellow paint being squirted around.  As I exited the color station, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and with it the corners of my lips lift and a smile come to life. I’ve made it through one, let’s see what else I can do! I continued along, bypassing the slip and slide, since we weren’t allowed on it as kids, and it just seems SO dangerous… for someone NO recovering… and preformed a similar dance in the “Orange is the new Everything” area. I did have several people ask where I got my tutu from because it was so bright and colorful.  I liked the attention for sure!

At this point I was thinking two things.  I really wanted a bag of Cheetos, because my hands were covered in orange and yellow but I really didn’t think it would taste too good, and that I was feeling like the dude in the Doritos commercial where he opened the bag and was covered in a flavor explosion.  During this time I also noticed that my hands, well my fingers were starting to swell… a lot.  I was also starting to get a little woozy.  Luckily there was a water stop ahead.  I made it to the water stop and sat for a minute after chugging some water.

Once I was on my way again Samien popped up from around the corner, she had been waiting for me at Pink! We headed toward pink and I mentioned that I wasn’t doing so well.  At this time the water I drank decided it was going to cause my insides to cramp up.  I encouraged everyone to push forward and I was going to cut the race short.  A small part of me got VERY sad.  Seriously who DNF’s a 5k? *thumps chest* this girl and ya know what THAT’S OK! Because I got out there and tried.  We were heading towards the Shine station, where straight is the “cut” and right takes you to blue.  We were past the 2 mile mark. I encouraged them to go finish their race… and nope.. they cut.  DNF’s for all of us…

Except this is a fun run.  It’s why I don’t get competitive over these things.  I am not the fastest, I never will be.  I know that I could have sat a while and headed toward blue, it wasn’t that far.  I had hours left to finish the race but why do that to my body?  What was it going to prove?  We headed toward Shine… The BEST part of the race!  Shine is what makes this year different at the color run… it’s why I HAD to do it.

SHINE!! Shine bright like a fancy diamond, made sparkly by the sun.  Doused in silvery glitter covered in sweat.  This is why I needed to come.  Through shine is the end of the race.  You walk under the arches to the finish line… and collect your medal.  There is no timing chip there is no lecture that I ducked a corner on the course.  #ALLTHEGLITTER

Covered in Color

All Colored Up

So yes, I had my first DNF, and ya know what I’ll take my DNF over the DNS I’ve had several times because I knew I would DNF the course.

The camaraderie that I found in these amazing ladies was AWESOME!!!! I was so sad about missing out on the blue station that they found a blue packet of color for me to get doused with when we were at the after party.  I totally loved every minute of it! It is fun to get messy and laugh!

Life is not predictable.  I certainly didn’t think that I was going to be as slow as I was today.  I was hopeful to go out and be able to finish the race, but it wasn’t in the cards.  That is totally okay! I got out there and had a great time.  I think with the walk to and from the car, plus the chute, and the other walking I did I know I did just fine, but I am not even stressing over it!

Afterall… Why blend in when I am born to stand out? Afterall I am a unicorn!

Post Color Run 15 Selfie

Post Color Run 15 Selfie

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What Happens When you Move Out

So I haven’t really talked to anyone yet about WHY I moved out, or what happened to cause me to leave it all behind… You see last year at Fitbloggin I was not really in the best of heads-paces with my blog.  Along came Dan and Rachel, but mostly Dan from Blogging Concentrated.  Dan pushed me to know more about “my story”  I told him a little about me, and why I write… and where I wrote. I also told him what I wanted to write about.  He suggested I steer the boat in the direction I was talking about.

So after Fitbloggin14′ I bought a new domain… and pointed it at the old site. What is that old saying about insanity and expecting different results? Or better yet… if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you always got.  Yeah that sounds about right.  The problem was really not with the blog, or myself really it is that my expectations had shifted, and what my expectations for what “home” was to be, could no longer be a reality.

As I get older, and I am not saying I am old I am just saying that I am as everyone else is celebrating a birthday every year,I am not just now fighting the normal issues that accompany that process.  I am fighting the fact that I have a genetic issue that I cannot control. I am not letting it define my life, however it does cause me to take notice of some things more than others.  The physical decline makes the mental side of things even more difficult.  Framing the though of getting healthy, around a body that in my mind was a “big fat failure” was and remains VERY difficult.

I can’t tell you the number of days and nights I have said, Why the hell is my body such a fucking mess? Why is it so weak? Why does it have to fall apart over and over again? It is SUCH a struggle to feel like you can do all these amazing things in one moment, and the next literally have the floor drop out from under you because your body LITERALLY can’t hold it together.  It feels like a giant metaphor for life… you squeeze onto things so hard and then poof they are gone.

What I have been working on is to try to find the best way for me to accept myself, and my life in the moments that I am in. Some days are better than others, I can laugh loudly and easily find many things to be grateful for.  Some days are hard, and I am just thankful to have the strength to get out of bed… I muster all I have to get through the day at my job and come home to collapse with a frozen dinner and that’s all I have left in me.

The days where I have so little to “give” are the days I need to seek acceptance and forgiveness of myself the most.  Forgiveness of so many things I put upon myself.  Things like you didn’t work out, you didn’t eat right, you’re lazy, you’re a failure because you are weak and can’t do X Y or Z.  Acceptance that while I can’t do something in that moment that those days are not fatal, they are not final.

Not a single thing I do can define me. I am learning… it is a process… a process of forgiveness and acceptance.  A process of learning and loss.  I do believe I am grieving a loss at this point, a loss of a goal I had for myself.  I haven’t lost my goal, but my expectations have been more clearly defined and that has become a very harsh reality to face.

If you havent noticed I have migrated my social media names, I will be leaving my old blog up, because there is no reason to bury the past… but there is no reason to live there either.  Thanks to those of you that have already joined me on my way! we’re off on an adventure… and don’t worry there will be Unicorns, goats, llamas, sheep, alpacas and more along the way! Just wait and see!

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A Whole New World on the Heels of FitBloggin

HI! Welcome! Grab a chair, sit, relax! We are going to have LOTS to talk about.  I just wanted to take a moment and say this is my new space. After my latest adventure to FitBloggin this year I decided that I really did need a chance.  Last year I talked to the Blogging Concentrated crew for a while and Dan sparked in me the need to change.  He knew I was stuck… and I bought a domain… but it still wasn’t the right place for me… it didn’t resonante with my heart space.

My heart has been breaking over my old blog for a long time.  With my health in a decline, while not fatal by any means, it is hard to keep “getting healthy” when you are fighting something that takes away a part of you that you can’t control.  I wouldKris-AboutMe Page love to keep signing up for races, and have weekly weigh in reports that show my hard work at the gym is paying off, but in reality… some days getting out of bed working 8.5 hours and amking it home to have dinner seems like I did a marathon.

This is not a reflection because of my weight, this is not a failure of my body despite what my mind tells me SO MUCH of the time.  This is just part of the hand I am dealt.  I do my best not to be a flake to my friends. I do my best to not overschedue myself and allow enough possible downtime, but it is always the unknown.

Over the last few years I have learned that the little things are the big things, and showing up when you say you will matters more than anything else.  A hug, a hand, an ear, these are all more valueable than any trinket or bauble. Laughter and memories that you can pull from the darkest of places… those are what you will always hope you did more… those are what I want to spend my life having more of.

I always worried I was being left out sitting on the sidelines because of my weight, and I was… but on the sidelines you can make your own fun and find your own people.  There is ALWAYS adventure to be had if you simply look around and are willing to go down the rabbit hole.

So join me on this adventure as I show you how I am making my best life everyday!