So I haven’t really talked to anyone yet about WHY I moved out, or what happened to cause me to leave it all behind… You see last year at Fitbloggin I was not really in the best of heads-paces with my blog. Along came Dan and Rachel, but mostly Dan from Blogging Concentrated. Dan pushed me to know more about “my story” I told him a little about me, and why I write… and where I wrote. I also told him what I wanted to write about. He suggested I steer the boat in the direction I was talking about.
So after Fitbloggin14′ I bought a new domain… and pointed it at the old site. What is that old saying about insanity and expecting different results? Or better yet… if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you always got. Yeah that sounds about right. The problem was really not with the blog, or myself really it is that my expectations had shifted, and what my expectations for what “home” was to be, could no longer be a reality.
As I get older, and I am not saying I am old I am just saying that I am as everyone else is celebrating a birthday every year,I am not just now fighting the normal issues that accompany that process. I am fighting the fact that I have a genetic issue that I cannot control. I am not letting it define my life, however it does cause me to take notice of some things more than others. The physical decline makes the mental side of things even more difficult. Framing the though of getting healthy, around a body that in my mind was a “big fat failure” was and remains VERY difficult.
I can’t tell you the number of days and nights I have said, Why the hell is my body such a fucking mess? Why is it so weak? Why does it have to fall apart over and over again? It is SUCH a struggle to feel like you can do all these amazing things in one moment, and the next literally have the floor drop out from under you because your body LITERALLY can’t hold it together. It feels like a giant metaphor for life… you squeeze onto things so hard and then poof they are gone.
What I have been working on is to try to find the best way for me to accept myself, and my life in the moments that I am in. Some days are better than others, I can laugh loudly and easily find many things to be grateful for. Some days are hard, and I am just thankful to have the strength to get out of bed… I muster all I have to get through the day at my job and come home to collapse with a frozen dinner and that’s all I have left in me.
The days where I have so little to “give” are the days I need to seek acceptance and forgiveness of myself the most. Forgiveness of so many things I put upon myself. Things like you didn’t work out, you didn’t eat right, you’re lazy, you’re a failure because you are weak and can’t do X Y or Z. Acceptance that while I can’t do something in that moment that those days are not fatal, they are not final.
Not a single thing I do can define me. I am learning… it is a process… a process of forgiveness and acceptance. A process of learning and loss. I do believe I am grieving a loss at this point, a loss of a goal I had for myself. I haven’t lost my goal, but my expectations have been more clearly defined and that has become a very harsh reality to face.
If you havent noticed I have migrated my social media names, I will be leaving my old blog up, because there is no reason to bury the past… but there is no reason to live there either. Thanks to those of you that have already joined me on my way! we’re off on an adventure… and don’t worry there will be Unicorns, goats, llamas, sheep, alpacas and more along the way! Just wait and see!