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You are Beautiful

“You’re really beautiful” and “you’re really good at what you do; not your job how you handle your interactions with life”

Those two statements were given to me as I walked over the Mississippi River under the stars Friday night. Treasured words given to me by someone I am getting to know better. 

I can’t explain how amazing it has been to continue to see the evolution of myself. This transformation into a different person by simply choosing to live more in the now and do what makes me happy. It is a long road to figure out who and what you are in life. 

To hear that someone who I have only really known for a comparatively short period of time sees beauty in me, and sees that significance in the way I conduct my life is incredible. 

The brief walk and talk we shared from the bar I’m sure was part sweet intoxication, but inside all drunken stupors there is some truth. Truth that the shift I have made in life has given way to my happiness. 

Those statements a out who I am are probably the best gifts I could receive as a birthday present this year; and they reinforce that living my best life and pushing the limits for myself and lifting others up is exactly what I need to continue to do. 

I may just have to start visiting the river more… it may become a new happy place.  

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What is fueling my life?

Sometimes life is about finding little things that make you happy. A nice restaurant, getting your nails done, a sunset. 

Here is a collection from the last week of fun things that fueled my passion. Hopefully I can make this a regular thing. 

Urban Decay White Lie and Reverb over Conspiracy

Ombré lipstick (Urban Decay) just learning how to wear makeup!

Moo!

Ribeye steak cooked to blue perfection

Love you always Paul

Memories of friends and love long gone

I literally can't even

My second ever Ipsy bag, and it’s Gudetama!!

Tastes like summer should!!

Smirnoff Watermelon Spiked Sparkling Water!!

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View from above

Sometimes you need to step away. I stepped back from blogging as you have seen. It was not my passion. It was a chore. I lost my voice. I don’t know that I have found it, but I found an ember deep the ashes. 

Feed the ember, fan the flames and wake the dragon. 

I was reminded today of the importance of stepping away. From the roof of my office building I enjoyed a nice lunch with a new coworker. We got to know each other and enjoy the sunshine. 

The downside of a small department is you don’t get to break bread with those you work with. It’s why I make coffee. It brings us a moment to connect. The upside is it can force connectivity with others you work with. Grow those connections because some great friendships can be found. 

Don’t be afraid to step away. Clear your mind, find a friend, find your voice. 

View from my office rooftop

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In a Flash. 

Friends, You may hate that I want to take your photo all the time, but I will continue to snap away. If you choose to not be a part of that… you are missing out. 

Remember that saying that life “flashes” before your eyes when you die. Have you stopped to think maybe those flashes are memories of the photos from times others hold as treasured moments. Maybe they are actually the photos you keep in your iCloud, or actual photo books to look at! 

Hate the way you look? Get over yourself and be present in your life. Be present in the lives of those that love you! Laugh loud and long and hard. Be bold and brave and confident in who you are. Find your happiness and live in your ultimate bliss. We only get a one way ticket, no one is getting out aive. 

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Update… November.

Things have been quiet around here. Lots of things have been going on.

Ive spent the last month or so undergoing a battery of tests, that continue trying to find out what is going on with my leg.  Recently the drop foot I have been experiencing has gotten worse.  It has become painful through my leg, and there has been no explination for the drop foot. They ran a battery of tests to rule out a number of things.  The latest appointment revealed that while I do have a bulged disk in my back, which is not surprising given the collagen issues I have, and my propensity to lift things I shouldn’t, it is not in the right place to be causing the issues with me leg.

The upside is that there were no MS lesions spotted, which was a concern they had given the multitude of symptoms I was displaying.  Unfortunatly, I still have no answers.  I have calls into several neurologists in the area to get started with more tests, and we will go from there.  I work to manage the pain on a daily basis.  I use my cane at home… and try not to venture into public with it, because I just… I don’t like the feeling of defeat.

In other news, about a month, maybe two ago a job opened up at work. I decided that I would apply.  Now for those of you that remember how scared I was to jump and leave my dispatching job, this was a HUGE deal.  Last week it was announced that I had been offered the position.  I was proud of myself, and only a little shocked.  I knew deep down that I was qualified.  I know the job will posess its challenges, and that is what I loook forward to.

Looking at how far I have come from the girl that was scared and stuck, to the strong person who knows her value, and can see her strengths is amazing.  It is not ego, it is self worth, and it grows everyday inside me.  I display pride in my work, and my efforts are paying off.

Placing value on what i can contribute alone, as well as part of a team is showing me who I am.  This road to a better place of everything has been a long one.  It is amazing how one little spark can change everything.  The more I do the more I can do.

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My Summer of Dresses

So I literally spent the entire summer in dresses. Skater dresses, Maxi dresses, Sun dresses.  Workdays were spent in dresses and casual Fridays where jeans should be worn… dresses.

I am “not a dress person.” A former coworker who has now left my job said having my gallbladder removed was probably the best thing that could have happened to my fashion sense. … WOW. I guess maybe it was supposed to be a confidence booster about my dresses.  I have been trying not to criticize myself too harshly, especially as my wardrobe now contains an obscene number of dresses.

For those keeping track my galbladder surgery was back in… April.  I had not been able to wear pants for the longest time due to the incision in my belly button.  It would not heal.  The dissolvable stitches they used were not being disolved by my body.  They were also poking out through the incision causing further irritation and scarring.

About two weeks ago I tried jeans again for the full day.  It was uncomfortable, but manageable.  I have missed my “normal” clothes.  They are an expression of me… and while the dresses are an expression they don’t have the same way of expressing things as my unicorn, superhero, or coffee shirts do.

So I have now morn my jeans a few times, like maybe three… they are not as comfy as they once were… but they still fit! Which is something I was concerned about due to the possible weight gain or body shift having nothing forn fitting being worn in months!

Fall is here, which means it will be time to modify my wardrobe… adding leggings under my dresses, but I will likely continue my dresses into fall and winter since pants are still leave me counting down the time to get them off at the end of the day.

I am happy as a clam to be finally feeling like I am almost back to normal where I can get back to a starting point to regaining my stamina.  I can’t even begin to explain how difficult it has been to wrap my head around how kind i need to be to my body to allow it to recover on its own terms.

Kindness to ones own self is possibly one of the most dificult things I have had to learn.

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Everyone is Someones Replacement

So recently I have been trying to stay very in the moment.  Very conscious and connected to the here and now. I hear people call it being rooted, or a bunch of different things  I started calling it being in the flow when I started connecting to whatever “it” is that I have been experiencing.  The more I am in the flow, the more I find books, experiences, and people who are “in the flow.”  I am experiencing energy attracting like energy and I fully believe it.

If you view yourself as mediocre, and look at your circle of friends, and your job and your situation, you are going to find that you are surrounded by things that are exactly that.  If you view yourself as AMAZING, and that you do AWESOME things, and you try new things, and you like in a state of the here and now and are thankful for what you can do in the moment… you will attract more good energy.

So earlier this week I was having a nice chat with a friend, when a nerve was struck. It struck kinda hard and I am not sure why. We have been talking about a lot of things. We talk a lot about work, a lot about my old job, since we have that setting in common. We started talking about how I had left behind some big shoes to fill, that they haven’t quite found the right fit for and how I still feel a little bit of mixed emotions over that situation. We also talked about some things going on in life right now, big and little, mostly just empty chat… that somehow turned into deep insightful conversation as tends to happen when I just sit down to talk with someone.

When he said… “everyone is someones replacement” I just… I didn’t have words to respond.  I mean, it is truth, it is so profound… It makes me think about what kind of space I want to leave behind to be replaced in any aspect of my life.  About two weeks ago a friend of mine passed away suddenly.  If I were to pass away… who would be my replacement.

I know that is not exactly the context we were speaking in… but my mind went there.  I mean, I know I am replaceable at work… I never live under the illusion that I am not.  While I may have been told two jobs ago “you can be replaced by an add on craigslist” during a fit of frustration by my manager, for which when I gave my notice and said that was one of my reasons for leaving I received an apology, it is true.  My replacements may not be as qualified for the job as I was, or as hard-working, but as i said before you attract what you put out there… and if you are just looking for a body to be there at an ungodly hour… that is what you will get.

I don’t have kids of my own to worry about who would be mom to them… but I am an auntie… and it is sad to think who would replace what I teach them.  I am a daughter, and no matter what the state of my relationship with parents is, there is no one that could replace that role.  I am a sister, who would put her life on the line… or on hold in her brother needed something. Who would do that?

While everyone is someones replacement… no one is replaceable. I want those words to resonate with you right now.  Everyone is someones replacement… but NO ONE IS REPLACEABLE.  You are valuable.  You are unique and you touch people in ways you do not know, and can not understand.

I have struggled for years with depression.  Along with depression I have self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, anxiety, you name it it effects me in some way.  When I was a teen I attempted suicide, and as I have been in recovery from that for years it never really clicked that I am not replaceable.  I can be replaced but I am not replaceable.  My job in the transportation industry has I suppose served as a huge learning tool for me… because it keeps showing me over and over again that I can be replaced but I am not replaceable.

So take a look in the mirror, look into your eyes and tell yourself you are not replaceable, say it like you mean it. Say it until you believe it. Everyday.