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Happy Birthday Harry Potter 

Happy Birthday Harry! I closed out my birthday month with you, with something to celebrate innocence and purity. 

It started with a hard decision…

What to do?

Decisions are really hard… you have to listen for the answers that speak to you. 

Omg your thigh?! Are you crazy??!!


Fat shame? Only for a moment. My legs are strong. I’ve overcome two broken hips, a lateral and medial meniscus tear a broken fibula, a broken talar dome, too many torn ligaments and tendons to count and still I rise. Yes I was worried about putting this on my thigh for a half second. Then my artist said she adored my placement and all of that fear sunk away. 

Boring


Waiting is the hardest part. My artist was awesome, she was from France, I was her 11th flash tattoo of the day to celebrate Harry’s Birthday. She was going strong and enjoying the day. She and I had nice banter, I relaxed into the buzz of the tattoo. It didn’t really hurt too much. 

Pure joy and love


This is my new tattoo. Yes it’s flash, yes I love it. It speaks to my heart about my life. A reminder of innocence and purity. Blended with placement on my thigh flirts a line of danger and sensuality along with acceptance. 

Happy Birthday to me. Expecto Unexpected. 

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When the aches and pain returns

I can feel it. I didn’t really have a “game plan” for it to come back. But when I woke up Sunday morning after spending basically all day Saturday in bed I knew it was back. 

I wasn’t in bed Saturday from pain, just exhaustion. Lack of sleep, partying too hard. Having too much fun. (Really!!) 

The pain I am talking about is that body-wide ache that comes when you start pushing yourself to do better. Go harder, further, faster than you usually do. I did not really plan a grand re-entry into my life after all of this time. 

Breaking my leg put me at a literal dead stop. My ankle is still holding me back, but not from everything. I’ve been out dancing three times now in three weeks. Once at a club, and twice at “dance church”

I am pushing my body, and my body says Woah!

I am settling into the familiar ache that means I am moving my body and it will get stronger. It is just that, an ache and it rings familiar like an old friend. A friend come home to rest in my body. 

Welcome home old friend. 

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Adulting

Sometimes it is strange to me to realize I am an adult. We all joke about that time when you look around and remember you are the adult in the room. You are the one responsible for making decisions, blazing the trail, setting the example. 

I don’t remember a lot of time in my life spent being irresponsible, carefree, or reckless. I know I have made bad decisions, and I don’t know nearly as much about the world as I wish to (or even pretend to). I have subsisted largely in a world of fake it till you make it. This is probably why I am living the way I do now, so very out loud. My life is BIG. 

My old style of living (not sheltered, taking on much responsibility) led me to be less naive than most of my peers. Not to the point of being fully jaded, but to the point where I almost don’t remember that there are others out there who don’t see the world the way I do. I don’t lay blame to this fact, I just forget it because it’s just become such an inane part of me. 

I had a wonderful meal tonight at a tiny local sushi bar with a coworker. We had wonderful conversation and I felt like I learned a lot about how she sees the world. I enjoyed being the one to help crack her shell and expose her to a “hidden gem” in a local neighborhood. 

It never crossed my mind that people who lived so close to places would not see them would not venture outside their bubbles even though it may not be intentional. I love seeing the awe and amazement on people’s faces as they find something new and exciting or trespass outside of their comfort zones. 

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone is quite often cliche I must say, but truly it is awesome to see people start opening up to the possibilities life holds. that is an amazing gift. 
Yes I will admit, I am a pusher. I push people. I push you to try harder; I push you to dig deeper; I push you to feel what it might just be like to feel the fear, to go for what you want. When you push past that fear you find that bliss! You find the amazing confidence, that talent you didn’t know you had. That gift deep within you to grow and foster. Heck you may get to find that new place that none of your friendsknow about that you can show off and be the new in the know person,  and just leave everyone to figure out how you do it. 

You can’t let yourself be intimidated by life, or fear or the unknown. Use your street smarts, and all of your tools and get out there and try new things. I am enjoying trying to help draw my friends out of their shells. I am enjoying watching them start to find themselves and discover who they might turn into as I myself morph into the next incarnation of who or what I am supposed to be as an adult. …

…adult. A dull t. Never a dull moment. I may be the one that works and pays the bills. But I am certainly not going to be giving up on enjoying life as it comes. We only get one ride on this big marble. You know I’m going to make my roll count! 

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Courage

Watching to “To The Bone” on Netflix today a lot of it hit home. I have struggled as far back in my life as I remember with an eating disorder. More than that this movie was a good reminder about living life. 
Folks, I beg you to take note in the real world there is no way to be safe or see and live just the good moments. 

Stop waiting for life to be easy. The more you push through the muck and the mud; the garbage and the sludge the more brilliance and beauty you will find. 

Stop hoping for someone or something to come along and save you. We are meant to be resilient and when you stare down the demons and that awful shit… you are going to have an AMAZING life. 

I offer you this poem for a bit of reflection. Please enjoy and move into the week with intention! 

Courage 

     by Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.

The child’s first step,

as awesome as an earthquake.

The first time you rode a bike,

wallowing up the sidewalk.

The first spanking when your heart

went on a journey all alone.

When they called you crybaby

or poor or fatty or crazy

and made you into an alien,

you drank their acid

and concealed it.


Later,

if you faced the death of bombs and bullets

you did not do it with a banner,

you did it with only a hat to

comver your heart.

You did not fondle the weakness inside you

though it was there.

Your courage was a small coal

that you kept swallowing.

If your buddy saved you

and died himself in so doing,

then his courage was not courage,

it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.


Later,

if you have endured a great despair,

then you did it alone,

getting a transfusion from the fire,

picking the scabs off your heart,

then wringing it out like a sock.

Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,

you gave it a back rub

and then you covered it with a blanket

and after it had slept a while

it woke to the wings of the roses

and was transformed.


Later,

when you face old age and its natural conclusion

your courage will still be shown in the little ways,

each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen,

those you love will live in a fever of love,

and you’ll bargain with the calendar

and at the last moment

when death opens the back door

you’ll put on your carpet slippers

and stride out.



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You are Beautiful

“You’re really beautiful” and “you’re really good at what you do; not your job how you handle your interactions with life”

Those two statements were given to me as I walked over the Mississippi River under the stars Friday night. Treasured words given to me by someone I am getting to know better. 

I can’t explain how amazing it has been to continue to see the evolution of myself. This transformation into a different person by simply choosing to live more in the now and do what makes me happy. It is a long road to figure out who and what you are in life. 

To hear that someone who I have only really known for a comparatively short period of time sees beauty in me, and sees that significance in the way I conduct my life is incredible. 

The brief walk and talk we shared from the bar I’m sure was part sweet intoxication, but inside all drunken stupors there is some truth. Truth that the shift I have made in life has given way to my happiness. 

Those statements a out who I am are probably the best gifts I could receive as a birthday present this year; and they reinforce that living my best life and pushing the limits for myself and lifting others up is exactly what I need to continue to do. 

I may just have to start visiting the river more… it may become a new happy place.  

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What is fueling my life?

Sometimes life is about finding little things that make you happy. A nice restaurant, getting your nails done, a sunset. 

Here is a collection from the last week of fun things that fueled my passion. Hopefully I can make this a regular thing. 

Urban Decay White Lie and Reverb over Conspiracy

Ombré lipstick (Urban Decay) just learning how to wear makeup!

Moo!

Ribeye steak cooked to blue perfection

Love you always Paul

Memories of friends and love long gone

I literally can't even

My second ever Ipsy bag, and it’s Gudetama!!

Tastes like summer should!!

Smirnoff Watermelon Spiked Sparkling Water!!

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View from above

Sometimes you need to step away. I stepped back from blogging as you have seen. It was not my passion. It was a chore. I lost my voice. I don’t know that I have found it, but I found an ember deep the ashes. 

Feed the ember, fan the flames and wake the dragon. 

I was reminded today of the importance of stepping away. From the roof of my office building I enjoyed a nice lunch with a new coworker. We got to know each other and enjoy the sunshine. 

The downside of a small department is you don’t get to break bread with those you work with. It’s why I make coffee. It brings us a moment to connect. The upside is it can force connectivity with others you work with. Grow those connections because some great friendships can be found. 

Don’t be afraid to step away. Clear your mind, find a friend, find your voice. 

View from my office rooftop