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Courage

Watching to “To The Bone” on Netflix today a lot of it hit home. I have struggled as far back in my life as I remember with an eating disorder. More than that this movie was a good reminder about living life. 
Folks, I beg you to take note in the real world there is no way to be safe or see and live just the good moments. 

Stop waiting for life to be easy. The more you push through the muck and the mud; the garbage and the sludge the more brilliance and beauty you will find. 

Stop hoping for someone or something to come along and save you. We are meant to be resilient and when you stare down the demons and that awful shit… you are going to have an AMAZING life. 

I offer you this poem for a bit of reflection. Please enjoy and move into the week with intention! 

Courage 

     by Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.

The child’s first step,

as awesome as an earthquake.

The first time you rode a bike,

wallowing up the sidewalk.

The first spanking when your heart

went on a journey all alone.

When they called you crybaby

or poor or fatty or crazy

and made you into an alien,

you drank their acid

and concealed it.


Later,

if you faced the death of bombs and bullets

you did not do it with a banner,

you did it with only a hat to

comver your heart.

You did not fondle the weakness inside you

though it was there.

Your courage was a small coal

that you kept swallowing.

If your buddy saved you

and died himself in so doing,

then his courage was not courage,

it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.


Later,

if you have endured a great despair,

then you did it alone,

getting a transfusion from the fire,

picking the scabs off your heart,

then wringing it out like a sock.

Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,

you gave it a back rub

and then you covered it with a blanket

and after it had slept a while

it woke to the wings of the roses

and was transformed.


Later,

when you face old age and its natural conclusion

your courage will still be shown in the little ways,

each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen,

those you love will live in a fever of love,

and you’ll bargain with the calendar

and at the last moment

when death opens the back door

you’ll put on your carpet slippers

and stride out.



2

You are Beautiful

“You’re really beautiful” and “you’re really good at what you do; not your job how you handle your interactions with life”

Those two statements were given to me as I walked over the Mississippi River under the stars Friday night. Treasured words given to me by someone I am getting to know better. 

I can’t explain how amazing it has been to continue to see the evolution of myself. This transformation into a different person by simply choosing to live more in the now and do what makes me happy. It is a long road to figure out who and what you are in life. 

To hear that someone who I have only really known for a comparatively short period of time sees beauty in me, and sees that significance in the way I conduct my life is incredible. 

The brief walk and talk we shared from the bar I’m sure was part sweet intoxication, but inside all drunken stupors there is some truth. Truth that the shift I have made in life has given way to my happiness. 

Those statements a out who I am are probably the best gifts I could receive as a birthday present this year; and they reinforce that living my best life and pushing the limits for myself and lifting others up is exactly what I need to continue to do. 

I may just have to start visiting the river more… it may become a new happy place.  

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What Happens When you Move Out

So I haven’t really talked to anyone yet about WHY I moved out, or what happened to cause me to leave it all behind… You see last year at Fitbloggin I was not really in the best of heads-paces with my blog.  Along came Dan and Rachel, but mostly Dan from Blogging Concentrated.  Dan pushed me to know more about “my story”  I told him a little about me, and why I write… and where I wrote. I also told him what I wanted to write about.  He suggested I steer the boat in the direction I was talking about.

So after Fitbloggin14′ I bought a new domain… and pointed it at the old site. What is that old saying about insanity and expecting different results? Or better yet… if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you always got.  Yeah that sounds about right.  The problem was really not with the blog, or myself really it is that my expectations had shifted, and what my expectations for what “home” was to be, could no longer be a reality.

As I get older, and I am not saying I am old I am just saying that I am as everyone else is celebrating a birthday every year,I am not just now fighting the normal issues that accompany that process.  I am fighting the fact that I have a genetic issue that I cannot control. I am not letting it define my life, however it does cause me to take notice of some things more than others.  The physical decline makes the mental side of things even more difficult.  Framing the though of getting healthy, around a body that in my mind was a “big fat failure” was and remains VERY difficult.

I can’t tell you the number of days and nights I have said, Why the hell is my body such a fucking mess? Why is it so weak? Why does it have to fall apart over and over again? It is SUCH a struggle to feel like you can do all these amazing things in one moment, and the next literally have the floor drop out from under you because your body LITERALLY can’t hold it together.  It feels like a giant metaphor for life… you squeeze onto things so hard and then poof they are gone.

What I have been working on is to try to find the best way for me to accept myself, and my life in the moments that I am in. Some days are better than others, I can laugh loudly and easily find many things to be grateful for.  Some days are hard, and I am just thankful to have the strength to get out of bed… I muster all I have to get through the day at my job and come home to collapse with a frozen dinner and that’s all I have left in me.

The days where I have so little to “give” are the days I need to seek acceptance and forgiveness of myself the most.  Forgiveness of so many things I put upon myself.  Things like you didn’t work out, you didn’t eat right, you’re lazy, you’re a failure because you are weak and can’t do X Y or Z.  Acceptance that while I can’t do something in that moment that those days are not fatal, they are not final.

Not a single thing I do can define me. I am learning… it is a process… a process of forgiveness and acceptance.  A process of learning and loss.  I do believe I am grieving a loss at this point, a loss of a goal I had for myself.  I haven’t lost my goal, but my expectations have been more clearly defined and that has become a very harsh reality to face.

If you havent noticed I have migrated my social media names, I will be leaving my old blog up, because there is no reason to bury the past… but there is no reason to live there either.  Thanks to those of you that have already joined me on my way! we’re off on an adventure… and don’t worry there will be Unicorns, goats, llamas, sheep, alpacas and more along the way! Just wait and see!