Any week in your life when you say goodbye to a friend is going to be difficult. I found myself asking the difficult question, “is this the tipping point in life, more funerals than weddings or baby showers. More sadness than celebration?”
Intellectually I know that is not the truth. Life keeps moving on, and there are always things to celebrate. I have been working diligently in the recent past to celebrate everything I can, and plan to continue that. I believe it is important.
I am finding strength and support from new friends as I grow and change. I grow more distant from those who I once treasured so dearly.
I have thought a lot recently about how growth is pain. Much like fruit on the vine, that which does not grow is left to wither and die. Fruit that does grow, changes and is forced into a new shape, it enlarges, and is forced by the conditions around it, and the nutrition available to adapt, thrive, or whither and die. Did you know they can make watermelons square, or pears shaped like Buddha? Adaptation to environment, and the result of need or desire for change. That pear or watermelon grew as it was forced, not all end up the same and that’s ok.
It’s hard to think about loss because it makes us look sat ourselves. What is the legacy I want to leave behind? Would anyone come to my funeral? What would people say about me? As I sat in the pew at mass I did have the passing though that I did not care if anyone showed up at my funeral because those that matter show up when you are here.
Funerals are not for the dead they are for the living… and while I am out living I want to be surrounded by the amazing and magical people that keep showing up. This is why I invite people to be part of my life. Be present because you are a gift of spirit.
You can raise someone up, or drag them down and it is your choice how to handle a situation. I will continue to raise others and myself up, saying yes and showing up when asked at every chance my body allows. We only get one shot in this life, find joy where we can, embrace it where it lives in whatever form it arrives in.
Things have been quiet around here. Lots of things have been going on.
Ive spent the last month or so undergoing a battery of tests, that continue trying to find out what is going on with my leg. Recently the drop foot I have been experiencing has gotten worse. It has become painful through my leg, and there has been no explination for the drop foot. They ran a battery of tests to rule out a number of things. The latest appointment revealed that while I do have a bulged disk in my back, which is not surprising given the collagen issues I have, and my propensity to lift things I shouldn’t, it is not in the right place to be causing the issues with me leg.
The upside is that there were no MS lesions spotted, which was a concern they had given the multitude of symptoms I was displaying. Unfortunatly, I still have no answers. I have calls into several neurologists in the area to get started with more tests, and we will go from there. I work to manage the pain on a daily basis. I use my cane at home… and try not to venture into public with it, because I just… I don’t like the feeling of defeat.
In other news, about a month, maybe two ago a job opened up at work. I decided that I would apply. Now for those of you that remember how scared I was to jump and leave my dispatching job, this was a HUGE deal. Last week it was announced that I had been offered the position. I was proud of myself, and only a little shocked. I knew deep down that I was qualified. I know the job will posess its challenges, and that is what I loook forward to.
Looking at how far I have come from the girl that was scared and stuck, to the strong person who knows her value, and can see her strengths is amazing. It is not ego, it is self worth, and it grows everyday inside me. I display pride in my work, and my efforts are paying off.
Placing value on what i can contribute alone, as well as part of a team is showing me who I am. This road to a better place of everything has been a long one. It is amazing how one little spark can change everything. The more I do the more I can do.
For a few weeks I have been mulling over the same set of thoughts over and over again. Giving. Having just had my birthday, I was the recipient of one of the MOST amazing gifts I have ever received. The gift on knowing just how much my hug, and honest friendship meant to someone in my life.
So often I see the same relationship when it comes to giving. People have a bargain-type relationship with giving. It is seen perfectly, in an exaggerated form, in an episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon and Penny give each other gifts for the holidays. Sheldon struggles to find something that will be an equal monetary value for the gift he may receive, and Penny gives a gift that is of significance. This leaves Sheldon to try making up the difference. Giving is not meant to be a relationship of exchange. It is not, I will give this to you but you need to give that to me. It is not a competition of who can outdo who, it is not a fucking transaction. Do not give with expectations that is a business relationship.
I believe this is why so many people look to charity to relieve a bit of guilt that has built up from the give and get of these relationships. In recent years those close to me have seen a shift in me, those that are newer to my life only know it as how I am. I am doing my best to give from a place of gratitude. I give because I am thankful for what I have, I am thankful to be able to share and thankful to be able to do what I can in the moment.
My friend Stephanie is doing her very first half ironman tri tomorrow! It did not even cross my mind to not be there. Am I going because she drove up to Minneapolis in September? NO. Am I driving because she roomed with me at Fitbloggin? NO! Why am I doing it… because she is my Celery and I am her Carrot and giving support and cheering is something I can do. I cannot imagine NOT being there.
So here I am on the eve of the tri basking in the greatness of gratitude in a suite at my hotel so happy to be able to give what I can on this day. Tonight will be dinner with friends old and new, tomorrow I will cry as my friend pursues her dreams and goals, and gives her all.
I guess I just want to raise your conscious level for a moment and make you think about giving. Think the next time you GIVE why you are doing it. Try to remove your expectations from the picture. Hold the door, but don’t expect it to be held. Buy a coffee and don’t worry if they pay it forward or not. Do for other people. Believe and BE LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Be present, it is a gift.