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Deep thoughts from the Funeral

Any week in your life when you say goodbye to a friend is going to be difficult. I found myself asking the difficult question, “is this the tipping point in life, more funerals than weddings or baby showers. More sadness than celebration?”

Intellectually I know that is not the truth. Life keeps moving on, and there are always things to celebrate. I have been working diligently in the recent past to celebrate everything I can, and plan to continue that. I believe it is important. 

I am finding strength and support from new friends as I grow and change. I grow more distant from those who I once treasured so dearly.  

I have thought a lot recently about how growth is pain.  Much like fruit on the vine, that which does not grow is left to wither and die. Fruit that does grow, changes and is forced into a new shape, it enlarges, and is forced by the conditions around it, and the nutrition available to adapt, thrive, or whither and die.  Did you know they can make watermelons square, or pears shaped like Buddha? Adaptation to environment, and the result of need or desire for change. That pear or watermelon grew as it was forced, not all end up the same and that’s ok. 

It’s hard to think about loss because it makes us look sat ourselves. What is the legacy I want to leave behind? Would anyone come to my funeral? What would people say about me? As I sat in the pew at mass I did have the passing though that I did not care if anyone showed up at my funeral because those that matter show up when you are here. 

Funerals are not for the dead they are for the living… and while I am out living I want to be surrounded by the amazing and magical people that keep showing up.  This is why I invite people to be part of my life. Be present because you are a gift of spirit. 

You can raise someone up, or drag them down and it is your choice how to handle a situation. I will continue to raise others and myself up, saying yes and showing up when asked at every chance my body allows. We only get one shot in this life, find joy where we can, embrace it where it lives in whatever form it arrives in. 

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You are Beautiful

“You’re really beautiful” and “you’re really good at what you do; not your job how you handle your interactions with life”

Those two statements were given to me as I walked over the Mississippi River under the stars Friday night. Treasured words given to me by someone I am getting to know better. 

I can’t explain how amazing it has been to continue to see the evolution of myself. This transformation into a different person by simply choosing to live more in the now and do what makes me happy. It is a long road to figure out who and what you are in life. 

To hear that someone who I have only really known for a comparatively short period of time sees beauty in me, and sees that significance in the way I conduct my life is incredible. 

The brief walk and talk we shared from the bar I’m sure was part sweet intoxication, but inside all drunken stupors there is some truth. Truth that the shift I have made in life has given way to my happiness. 

Those statements a out who I am are probably the best gifts I could receive as a birthday present this year; and they reinforce that living my best life and pushing the limits for myself and lifting others up is exactly what I need to continue to do. 

I may just have to start visiting the river more… it may become a new happy place.  

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My Summer of Dresses

So I literally spent the entire summer in dresses. Skater dresses, Maxi dresses, Sun dresses.  Workdays were spent in dresses and casual Fridays where jeans should be worn… dresses.

I am “not a dress person.” A former coworker who has now left my job said having my gallbladder removed was probably the best thing that could have happened to my fashion sense. … WOW. I guess maybe it was supposed to be a confidence booster about my dresses.  I have been trying not to criticize myself too harshly, especially as my wardrobe now contains an obscene number of dresses.

For those keeping track my galbladder surgery was back in… April.  I had not been able to wear pants for the longest time due to the incision in my belly button.  It would not heal.  The dissolvable stitches they used were not being disolved by my body.  They were also poking out through the incision causing further irritation and scarring.

About two weeks ago I tried jeans again for the full day.  It was uncomfortable, but manageable.  I have missed my “normal” clothes.  They are an expression of me… and while the dresses are an expression they don’t have the same way of expressing things as my unicorn, superhero, or coffee shirts do.

So I have now morn my jeans a few times, like maybe three… they are not as comfy as they once were… but they still fit! Which is something I was concerned about due to the possible weight gain or body shift having nothing forn fitting being worn in months!

Fall is here, which means it will be time to modify my wardrobe… adding leggings under my dresses, but I will likely continue my dresses into fall and winter since pants are still leave me counting down the time to get them off at the end of the day.

I am happy as a clam to be finally feeling like I am almost back to normal where I can get back to a starting point to regaining my stamina.  I can’t even begin to explain how difficult it has been to wrap my head around how kind i need to be to my body to allow it to recover on its own terms.

Kindness to ones own self is possibly one of the most dificult things I have had to learn.