I can feel it. I didn’t really have a “game plan” for it to come back. But when I woke up Sunday morning after spending basically all day Saturday in bed I knew it was back.
I wasn’t in bed Saturday from pain, just exhaustion. Lack of sleep, partying too hard. Having too much fun. (Really!!)
The pain I am talking about is that body-wide ache that comes when you start pushing yourself to do better. Go harder, further, faster than you usually do. I did not really plan a grand re-entry into my life after all of this time.
Breaking my leg put me at a literal dead stop. My ankle is still holding me back, but not from everything. I’ve been out dancing three times now in three weeks. Once at a club, and twice at “dance church”
I am pushing my body, and my body says Woah!
I am settling into the familiar ache that means I am moving my body and it will get stronger. It is just that, an ache and it rings familiar like an old friend. A friend come home to rest in my body.
Welcome home old friend.
“You’re really beautiful” and “you’re really good at what you do; not your job how you handle your interactions with life”
Those two statements were given to me as I walked over the Mississippi River under the stars Friday night. Treasured words given to me by someone I am getting to know better.
I can’t explain how amazing it has been to continue to see the evolution of myself. This transformation into a different person by simply choosing to live more in the now and do what makes me happy. It is a long road to figure out who and what you are in life.
To hear that someone who I have only really known for a comparatively short period of time sees beauty in me, and sees that significance in the way I conduct my life is incredible.
The brief walk and talk we shared from the bar I’m sure was part sweet intoxication, but inside all drunken stupors there is some truth. Truth that the shift I have made in life has given way to my happiness.
Those statements a out who I am are probably the best gifts I could receive as a birthday present this year; and they reinforce that living my best life and pushing the limits for myself and lifting others up is exactly what I need to continue to do.
I may just have to start visiting the river more… it may become a new happy place.
Things have been quiet around here. Lots of things have been going on.
Ive spent the last month or so undergoing a battery of tests, that continue trying to find out what is going on with my leg. Recently the drop foot I have been experiencing has gotten worse. It has become painful through my leg, and there has been no explination for the drop foot. They ran a battery of tests to rule out a number of things. The latest appointment revealed that while I do have a bulged disk in my back, which is not surprising given the collagen issues I have, and my propensity to lift things I shouldn’t, it is not in the right place to be causing the issues with me leg.
The upside is that there were no MS lesions spotted, which was a concern they had given the multitude of symptoms I was displaying. Unfortunatly, I still have no answers. I have calls into several neurologists in the area to get started with more tests, and we will go from there. I work to manage the pain on a daily basis. I use my cane at home… and try not to venture into public with it, because I just… I don’t like the feeling of defeat.
In other news, about a month, maybe two ago a job opened up at work. I decided that I would apply. Now for those of you that remember how scared I was to jump and leave my dispatching job, this was a HUGE deal. Last week it was announced that I had been offered the position. I was proud of myself, and only a little shocked. I knew deep down that I was qualified. I know the job will posess its challenges, and that is what I loook forward to.
Looking at how far I have come from the girl that was scared and stuck, to the strong person who knows her value, and can see her strengths is amazing. It is not ego, it is self worth, and it grows everyday inside me. I display pride in my work, and my efforts are paying off.
Placing value on what i can contribute alone, as well as part of a team is showing me who I am. This road to a better place of everything has been a long one. It is amazing how one little spark can change everything. The more I do the more I can do.