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Deep thoughts from the Funeral

Any week in your life when you say goodbye to a friend is going to be difficult. I found myself asking the difficult question, “is this the tipping point in life, more funerals than weddings or baby showers. More sadness than celebration?”

Intellectually I know that is not the truth. Life keeps moving on, and there are always things to celebrate. I have been working diligently in the recent past to celebrate everything I can, and plan to continue that. I believe it is important. 

I am finding strength and support from new friends as I grow and change. I grow more distant from those who I once treasured so dearly.  

I have thought a lot recently about how growth is pain.  Much like fruit on the vine, that which does not grow is left to wither and die. Fruit that does grow, changes and is forced into a new shape, it enlarges, and is forced by the conditions around it, and the nutrition available to adapt, thrive, or whither and die.  Did you know they can make watermelons square, or pears shaped like Buddha? Adaptation to environment, and the result of need or desire for change. That pear or watermelon grew as it was forced, not all end up the same and that’s ok. 

It’s hard to think about loss because it makes us look sat ourselves. What is the legacy I want to leave behind? Would anyone come to my funeral? What would people say about me? As I sat in the pew at mass I did have the passing though that I did not care if anyone showed up at my funeral because those that matter show up when you are here. 

Funerals are not for the dead they are for the living… and while I am out living I want to be surrounded by the amazing and magical people that keep showing up.  This is why I invite people to be part of my life. Be present because you are a gift of spirit. 

You can raise someone up, or drag them down and it is your choice how to handle a situation. I will continue to raise others and myself up, saying yes and showing up when asked at every chance my body allows. We only get one shot in this life, find joy where we can, embrace it where it lives in whatever form it arrives in. 

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Happy Birthday Harry Potter 

Happy Birthday Harry! I closed out my birthday month with you, with something to celebrate innocence and purity. 

It started with a hard decision…

What to do?

Decisions are really hard… you have to listen for the answers that speak to you. 

Omg your thigh?! Are you crazy??!!


Fat shame? Only for a moment. My legs are strong. I’ve overcome two broken hips, a lateral and medial meniscus tear a broken fibula, a broken talar dome, too many torn ligaments and tendons to count and still I rise. Yes I was worried about putting this on my thigh for a half second. Then my artist said she adored my placement and all of that fear sunk away. 

Boring


Waiting is the hardest part. My artist was awesome, she was from France, I was her 11th flash tattoo of the day to celebrate Harry’s Birthday. She was going strong and enjoying the day. She and I had nice banter, I relaxed into the buzz of the tattoo. It didn’t really hurt too much. 

Pure joy and love


This is my new tattoo. Yes it’s flash, yes I love it. It speaks to my heart about my life. A reminder of innocence and purity. Blended with placement on my thigh flirts a line of danger and sensuality along with acceptance. 

Happy Birthday to me. Expecto Unexpected. 

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You are Beautiful

“You’re really beautiful” and “you’re really good at what you do; not your job how you handle your interactions with life”

Those two statements were given to me as I walked over the Mississippi River under the stars Friday night. Treasured words given to me by someone I am getting to know better. 

I can’t explain how amazing it has been to continue to see the evolution of myself. This transformation into a different person by simply choosing to live more in the now and do what makes me happy. It is a long road to figure out who and what you are in life. 

To hear that someone who I have only really known for a comparatively short period of time sees beauty in me, and sees that significance in the way I conduct my life is incredible. 

The brief walk and talk we shared from the bar I’m sure was part sweet intoxication, but inside all drunken stupors there is some truth. Truth that the shift I have made in life has given way to my happiness. 

Those statements a out who I am are probably the best gifts I could receive as a birthday present this year; and they reinforce that living my best life and pushing the limits for myself and lifting others up is exactly what I need to continue to do. 

I may just have to start visiting the river more… it may become a new happy place.  

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Everyone is Someones Replacement

So recently I have been trying to stay very in the moment.  Very conscious and connected to the here and now. I hear people call it being rooted, or a bunch of different things  I started calling it being in the flow when I started connecting to whatever “it” is that I have been experiencing.  The more I am in the flow, the more I find books, experiences, and people who are “in the flow.”  I am experiencing energy attracting like energy and I fully believe it.

If you view yourself as mediocre, and look at your circle of friends, and your job and your situation, you are going to find that you are surrounded by things that are exactly that.  If you view yourself as AMAZING, and that you do AWESOME things, and you try new things, and you like in a state of the here and now and are thankful for what you can do in the moment… you will attract more good energy.

So earlier this week I was having a nice chat with a friend, when a nerve was struck. It struck kinda hard and I am not sure why. We have been talking about a lot of things. We talk a lot about work, a lot about my old job, since we have that setting in common. We started talking about how I had left behind some big shoes to fill, that they haven’t quite found the right fit for and how I still feel a little bit of mixed emotions over that situation. We also talked about some things going on in life right now, big and little, mostly just empty chat… that somehow turned into deep insightful conversation as tends to happen when I just sit down to talk with someone.

When he said… “everyone is someones replacement” I just… I didn’t have words to respond.  I mean, it is truth, it is so profound… It makes me think about what kind of space I want to leave behind to be replaced in any aspect of my life.  About two weeks ago a friend of mine passed away suddenly.  If I were to pass away… who would be my replacement.

I know that is not exactly the context we were speaking in… but my mind went there.  I mean, I know I am replaceable at work… I never live under the illusion that I am not.  While I may have been told two jobs ago “you can be replaced by an add on craigslist” during a fit of frustration by my manager, for which when I gave my notice and said that was one of my reasons for leaving I received an apology, it is true.  My replacements may not be as qualified for the job as I was, or as hard-working, but as i said before you attract what you put out there… and if you are just looking for a body to be there at an ungodly hour… that is what you will get.

I don’t have kids of my own to worry about who would be mom to them… but I am an auntie… and it is sad to think who would replace what I teach them.  I am a daughter, and no matter what the state of my relationship with parents is, there is no one that could replace that role.  I am a sister, who would put her life on the line… or on hold in her brother needed something. Who would do that?

While everyone is someones replacement… no one is replaceable. I want those words to resonate with you right now.  Everyone is someones replacement… but NO ONE IS REPLACEABLE.  You are valuable.  You are unique and you touch people in ways you do not know, and can not understand.

I have struggled for years with depression.  Along with depression I have self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, anxiety, you name it it effects me in some way.  When I was a teen I attempted suicide, and as I have been in recovery from that for years it never really clicked that I am not replaceable.  I can be replaced but I am not replaceable.  My job in the transportation industry has I suppose served as a huge learning tool for me… because it keeps showing me over and over again that I can be replaced but I am not replaceable.

So take a look in the mirror, look into your eyes and tell yourself you are not replaceable, say it like you mean it. Say it until you believe it. Everyday.