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You are Beautiful

“You’re really beautiful” and “you’re really good at what you do; not your job how you handle your interactions with life”

Those two statements were given to me as I walked over the Mississippi River under the stars Friday night. Treasured words given to me by someone I am getting to know better. 

I can’t explain how amazing it has been to continue to see the evolution of myself. This transformation into a different person by simply choosing to live more in the now and do what makes me happy. It is a long road to figure out who and what you are in life. 

To hear that someone who I have only really known for a comparatively short period of time sees beauty in me, and sees that significance in the way I conduct my life is incredible. 

The brief walk and talk we shared from the bar I’m sure was part sweet intoxication, but inside all drunken stupors there is some truth. Truth that the shift I have made in life has given way to my happiness. 

Those statements a out who I am are probably the best gifts I could receive as a birthday present this year; and they reinforce that living my best life and pushing the limits for myself and lifting others up is exactly what I need to continue to do. 

I may just have to start visiting the river more… it may become a new happy place.  

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Update… November.

Things have been quiet around here. Lots of things have been going on.

Ive spent the last month or so undergoing a battery of tests, that continue trying to find out what is going on with my leg.  Recently the drop foot I have been experiencing has gotten worse.  It has become painful through my leg, and there has been no explination for the drop foot. They ran a battery of tests to rule out a number of things.  The latest appointment revealed that while I do have a bulged disk in my back, which is not surprising given the collagen issues I have, and my propensity to lift things I shouldn’t, it is not in the right place to be causing the issues with me leg.

The upside is that there were no MS lesions spotted, which was a concern they had given the multitude of symptoms I was displaying.  Unfortunatly, I still have no answers.  I have calls into several neurologists in the area to get started with more tests, and we will go from there.  I work to manage the pain on a daily basis.  I use my cane at home… and try not to venture into public with it, because I just… I don’t like the feeling of defeat.

In other news, about a month, maybe two ago a job opened up at work. I decided that I would apply.  Now for those of you that remember how scared I was to jump and leave my dispatching job, this was a HUGE deal.  Last week it was announced that I had been offered the position.  I was proud of myself, and only a little shocked.  I knew deep down that I was qualified.  I know the job will posess its challenges, and that is what I loook forward to.

Looking at how far I have come from the girl that was scared and stuck, to the strong person who knows her value, and can see her strengths is amazing.  It is not ego, it is self worth, and it grows everyday inside me.  I display pride in my work, and my efforts are paying off.

Placing value on what i can contribute alone, as well as part of a team is showing me who I am.  This road to a better place of everything has been a long one.  It is amazing how one little spark can change everything.  The more I do the more I can do.

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Haters Gonna Hate.

Players gonna play, and haters gonna hate! I headed into work today, still buzzing a little bit high from having done the color run yesterday.  I was still sporting my silver and gold star temporary tattoos on my left arm and my silver unicorn on my right arm, as it is okay to have these things show at work, or so it seems, when I was asked about that “thing on my arm.”

I said oh this? Excited to have someone ask about my unicorn, I went on to say it was part of the Color Run yesterday, and that I was still sort of stained a little bit, because I have some splotches of paint scattered various places.  As I explained what the color run was, I got this whiff of nastiness washing over me from the other party involved.  “Why were you even outside yesterday.” “You shouldn’t be doing that.” “You’re going to *blah blah blah*” and I tuned right on out. In my mind all I could do was visualize myself rising above all of the what I can only imagine as self-doubt, or self-hate, or something else internally because, I knew my limits, and I respected them.

Yes it was hot, yes I am sore because I have ONE new blister… but I did really well with prep work on my feet and managed to protect enough that I only ended up with one.  I spent much of the day picturing myself as a little red balloon rising along a rainbow in the sky of clouds and sun today. I can be rooted in the ground, and floating above things at the same time.  It is a very, peaceful place to be, and I am working very hard to stay in this place.

I am working to let go of a lot of things, things that are too stressful, things I cannot change.  I often find that I am accused of doing too many things for other people, and am working on a balance of doing things for myself.  The act of rising above is a gift of kindness itself.  To forgive others for their judgement and harshness is a gift to others.

I am a work in progress, but I feel like working towards a shift in the way we think helps change who we are and how we see the world.  I am doing my best to take a moment each day and honor myself, whether it is in forgiveness, in physical action, or in some other way.

Be kind to yourself, be kind to each other, and remember to find something everyday to celebrate, inside and outside of yourself!